saiyuki's gone Austin Powers
by KYOGAKURA
Summary: if you've watched the Austin Powers: the spy who shagged me...then you know the story! just read


Chapter 1: Austin Powers?  
  
Summary: uhhhhhhhh...dunno...it's just that an Austin Powers story line in this fic...it's Austin Powers yeah baby yeah!  
  
Goku's austin  
  
Sanzo's a test tube baby  
  
Dr. Ni's evil  
  
Mini-me's Homura  
  
Gyukomen's a loudmouth scientist  
  
Toufa's a spy and love interest  
  
Hakkai's the head agent  
  
Gojyo's number two  
  
And so on and so forth  
  
Note: this is my farewell fic 'cuz I gotta study hard  
  
Okay here goes:  
  
Somewhere in space  
  
"We have a full go ground control, I, uh? What? Oh my gentle stars, uh, Huston, we have a problem."  
  
The astronaut of Space challenger 12 watched in horror as a space ship shaped like an egg departed from a spaceport that looked like a 'Big Boy' restaurant. The space ship entered the planet's atmosphere somewhere around Tokyo.  
  
Goku, International man of mystery, was cruising down the snowy streets of New York in his jaguar car, called 'swinger'. His cars video screen began to beep and on came Hakkai, head of the International spy institute.  
  
"Hello Hakkai. What's the word in the spy biz?" He asked.  
  
"Hello Goku. How was your honey moon?"  
  
"Well, it turns out that Meihou was a fembot all along." Goku looked slightly depressed, but put on a more confused look when Hakkai said this.  
  
"Yes, sadly, we knew all along."  
  
There was a long silent pause.  
  
"Well, any ways, your scheduled to do a photo shoot. And one of the models works for Dr. Ni."  
  
"Groovy baby! Shaguar!" And with that Goku went speeding off through the road.  
  
"Shagadellic, baby yeah!"  
  
Somewhere in Seattle  
  
Dramatic thunder clap  
  
"Dr Ni. Welcome back from outer space."  
  
Dr. Ni looked over to his number 2 man, number2. Who also happened to be Gojyo for those wondering.  
  
"Hello Number2 and what is our evil world status as of now?"  
  
"We have invested in a Seattle based coffee company that sells premium quality coffee for affordable prices. Delicious." Number2 handed Dr. Ni a cup of coffee and watched him sip it, getting some white foam on his nose.  
  
"Dr. Ni, we could increase our profits five fold if we turn our ambitions away from evil enterprises and over to Starbucks coffee."  
  
"Number2, I make the rules here. And I demand a little respect!"  
  
"Um, Dr.? You have some of the coffee on your-"  
  
"SILENCE!"  
  
Number2 quickly shut his mouth and turned the other way as Dr. Ni turned his chair.  
  
"Gyukomen K. Ver Gatesder Zinen?"  
  
"Zergutair Doctair."  
  
"How're things."  
  
"Fine, Mr. Drop me like a sack of potatoes so I can try and rule the world."  
  
Dr. Ni choked on his coffee and muttered a few 'OKs' before turning back to number2.  
  
"Dr. Ni, while you were up in space we began a process to clone you."  
  
"Cool. Dr. Ni said, trying to sip his coffee with out getting it on himself. When Homura screamed "Send in the clone" he spilled it into his lap and yowled in pain.  
  
"Ow, son of a gun. Get me a napkin someone."  
  
"Dr Ni. He is every bit like you, except one-eighth your size.  
  
Dr. Ni jumped up from his seat when he saw a tiny him standing in the doorway.  
  
"He's breathtaking. I shall call him Mini-me."  
  
Dramatic thunderclap again  
  
Mini me scampers over to Dr. Ni and crawls into the seat next to him.  
  
"Hello mini me. Are you hungry? Do you want something? A hot pocket, an ego? No, no, we don't gnaw on out kitty, leave mini Mr. Homura alone."  
  
"Ahem. Ni Dr. N. The child has a name already."  
  
"Really?" Dr. Ni inquired, turning to Homura.  
  
"Yes. His name is Homura."  
  
"Well, tough. I'm calling him mini me. Now, back to the matter at hand. I have heard rumors that my arch nemesis, Goku, is here in the 90's. I am going to go back in time and steel his mojo, rendering him helpless."  
  
"If you have a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill him when he's a baby or something."  
  
Dr. Ni swirled his chair around to look at his test tube son, Sanzo.  
  
"How about no, Sanzo. Number2, unveil the time portal!"  
  
Gojyo pulls on a cord and behind a curtain appears a strange looking swirl thing that must me the time machine.  
  
"Now, I'm going back in time to kill my nemesis, I bid you farewell."  
  
Dr, Ni runs into the time machine, but falls down and rolls off the ramp. Mini me, or Homura, stands up in his chair to look at him.  
  
"I'm ok, I'm ok. Its not turned on. Number2 could you, yeah thanks. Come mini me."  
  
Mini me/Homura runs to Dr. Ni's side and walks with him into the time portal that flings them back 10 years.  
  
The swirling of the time machine stopped and spat Dr. Ni and mini me/Homura into what appears to be a base of some sort. While they look around at the interior and take note of the heat a young man walks up to them.  
  
"Dr. Ni welcome to the past, your volcano lair is up and running."  
  
"Ah, number2. You look so healthy and youthful."  
  
"Oh, doctor!"  
  
"And Gyukomen. You look so."  
  
Dr. Ni looks at Homura, who, besides outfit wise, has not changed one bit from her past self.  
  
"Riiiiiight."  
  
Dr. Ni I don't know how we can possibly steal Goku's mojo. He's very heavily guarded." Number2 interrupts.  
  
"Ah yes number2, but I have a secret weapon. A spy in the ministry of defense."  
  
"Really?" Gyukomen inquires.  
  
"Yes. He's known for his unusual love and mustard and his lethal temper. He always dresses in orange. His name, Fat mustard."  
  
Somewhere far away  
  
"Listen up boys, I'm gonna sing you a lullaby." Fat Mustard, who looks like Zeon would if he were human, starts playing the bagpipes and knocks all the other guards out. He then takes out a drill and implants it in the ice that holds the frozen body of Goku, international Man of mystery.  
  
"Hehehe, I got your mojo now."  
  
Somewhere in the future  
  
"Oh? Oh no!!!"  
  
Goku pulls off the sheet covering him and a blond haired girl.  
  
"What's wrong?" She asks.  
  
"Krike! I lost my mojo!"  
  
Back in the volcano lair of Dr Ni.  
  
"Well then, everything is going according to plan. Now nothing can stop us. Mwhahahaha Mwahahaha Mwahahahah."  
  
Everyone in the background starts to laugh diabolically while the image pulls out to reveal a desolate island in the middle of the Caribbean.  
  
Goku was walking with Hakkai, the head of British Intelligence, discussing what to do about Dr. Ni and his lost mojo.  
  
"You're in luck Goku." Hakkai was saying. "We too have invented a time machine. Now you too can go back in time."  
  
"Groovy baby. I'll go back to the 60's, defeat Dr. Ni, recharge my mojo and be back in time for tea. But wait a sec."  
  
Hakkai looked at Goku intently.  
  
"Hakkai, if I was frozen in 60's and thawed out in the 90's then presumably I can go visit my frozen self, but if I, oh no I've gone cross eyed."  
  
Hakkai rolled his eyes as Goku was trying to stop looking at his nose.  
  
"I suggest you just enjoy yourself."  
  
"Alright Hakkai, swinging 60's here I come! Move, move!" Goku waved some technicians who were still tuning up the small rainbow colored bug that was the time machine. Goku put his foot on what he though was the gas and plowed backwards into a dozen computers.  
  
"Sorry! I bet that was expensive."  
  
Goku tried again and nearly ran over a worker who was standing to the left of the car. When he had put the car in drive and straightened it out, he was ready. He waved one last time and stepped on the gas, sending him flying at a tremendous speed. The end of the lane was approaching quickly, but a white light soon enveloped the car and sent it to who knows where.  
  
"God speed Goku."  
  
Somewhere in the 60's  
  
A white light flashes and a colorful bug car comes skidding into a party room. Goku stops to take in the site as the dancers get back to dancing, ignoring him.  
  
"I'm home!" Goku looked at himself in the mirror and straightened his hair. He stepped out of the car and looked at his old home. It was exactly how he remembered it. Nearby a group of girls were creaming at him with mirth.  
  
"Yes, I am home!"  
  
A strange girl approached Goku. Long red hair, light green dress. A girl that made Goku go 'Grr baby, very grr.'  
  
"Hello Mr. Goku. How do you do?"  
  
"I do fine and you, miss?"  
  
"Konzeon, Konzeon Bousatsu."  
  
"Well, Miss Bousatsu, do you wish to swing?"  
  
"I'd love too."  
  
Above Goku and the mysterious Konzeon a green haired gogo dancer was watching closely. She signaled for her partners to stop dancing and approached a fire pole. She slid down the fire pole and began to approach Goku, stopping every now and then to do small dance moves with a guy. Goku dropped Konzeon instantly when she approached.  
  
"Hello there baby. And how are you today?" Goku asked suavely.  
  
"You could start by buying me a drink." She said, making Goku gasp rather unbelievably.  
  
"Better play it cool, your friend works for Dr. Ni." She whispered, hugging Goku.  
  
"And just who do you work for baby?" Goku asked, not noticing she had left.  
  
As he looked around Konzeon jumped up and took back his attention. Goku smiled and instantly forgot about his mysterious nameless companion.  
  
"Tell me Mr. Goku, do you swing?"  
  
"Are you kidding? I put the Grr in swinger, baby."  
  
"Well then, why don't you come right over here." Konzeon moved Goku around so his back was towards the entrance. He looked into Konzeon's eyes and noticed a reflection of a man in them, holding a knife. She winked and before a knife could go into his back, Goku pulled Konzeon in front of him.  
  
She gasped in pain as Goku dropped her to the floor, approaching the knife thrower.  
  
"You can't win Goku, use the machine gun!"  
  
Goku freaked out and grabbed Konzeon back up, using her as a shield from the machine gun bullets. When the man was out of bullets he dropped Konzeon again and approached him.  
  
"This isn't over, use the bazooka!"  
  
"No!" Goku screamed, trying to use Konzeon as a shield again.  
  
The two were thrown out of the window and were falling a couple of stories fast. Goku pulled Konzeon under him so that she would take the impact and not him. When they hit the ground the man looked out the window and scowled, seeing that Goku was still alive.  
  
"You can't win Goku!" Konzeon muttered, her face cut from the glass of the window.  
  
"Why wont you die!?" Goku yelled, very confused.  
  
When the man form the window began to shoot at them again Goku tried to take cover but didn't get much. Then a horn honked. The green haired girl from earlier pulled up with a car that was decorated as a safari car.  
  
"Need a lift?" She asked.  
  
Goku ran to the car's passenger side and jumped in head first, getting his head stuck in where your feet are supposed to go. He yelled at her to go and she speed off away from the scene.  
  
Goku straightened himself off and looked at his rescuer. She had long green hair in a braid and wore a strange outfit that made her look like a raver.  
  
"Goku, I presume." She said, turning to him.  
  
"Goku by name, Goku by reputation." He said, trying to be suave.  
  
"Toufa Shuzo, CIA, Shuzo by name, free lance by reputation."  
  
"Oh behave!" Goku yelled.  
  
"Not if I can help it!" The two laughed and then Goku made an 'ooh' noise at her.  
  
After a bit the two were driving along the English roads and chatting about nothing in particular.  
  
"You know what's amazing? How much England looks nothing like southern California."  
  
Toufa nodded happily, ignoring the fairly stupid comment, then swerved when a bullet came whizzing through the windshield from behind.  
  
"We've got company, it looks like one of Dr. Ni's assassins!" Toufa drove the other car off the road and got out of the car with her pistol. Goku also took out his weapon.  
  
The man stood up and wobbled over to the two.  
  
"Do you remember me, Goku?" He asked.  
  
"I don't remember your name, but your fez is familiar."  
  
"I am Kougaiji, and I am the one who will be killing you now!"  
  
The man lunged at Goku, but was immediately pulled into a headlock by Toufa.  
  
"Who sent you?!" Demanded Goku.  
  
"I won't tell!"  
  
"Who sent you?!"  
  
"I'll never say!"  
  
"Who sent you?!"  
  
"Rrr, Dr. Ni!" He said.  
  
"That was easy. Why did you tell us?" Toufa asked, looking at Kougaiji.  
  
"I hate being asked the same question three times, its just so annoying."  
  
"I see, where's Dr. Ni hiding?"  
  
"I won't tell!"  
  
Goku sighed. "Where's Dr. Ni hiding?! Where's Dr. Ni hiding!?"  
  
"Damn, three times! He's hiding in his secret volcano lair."  
  
"Where's Dr. Ni's secret volcano lair?"  
  
"I'm not telling!"  
  
"Do I really have to ask you two more times?" Goku asked. "Fine, where's Dr. Ni's secret volcano lair?"  
  
"I'll take it to the grave with me!"  
  
"Aha! He asked you three times, now you have to answer!" Toufa cheered.  
  
"No, no, no!" Kougaiji said, breaking free of Toufa's headlock. "He asked 'do I really have to ask you one more time', that was a new question in a new line of questioning!"  
  
"Yeah, he's right. But I'm just trying to get information out of you, why are you being so slavish with the three question form is my question."  
  
"No, you are preaching to the-"  
  
Out of apparently no where a dart shoots Kougaiji in the neck, making him weak. He starts to stumble backwards, Goku still chattering on about nothing really. Kougaiji fell backwards down the cliff, while Goku and Toufa just watched. They watched him try to stand up after he had finished falling. It looked like both his legs were broken.  
  
"I think you've finally met your match." Toufa said, ignoring Kougaiji's dries for help.  
  
"Oh no, baby. I've defeated Dr. Ni once before and I'll do it again." Goku said, approaching the car with Toufa.  
  
"I was talking about me." Toufa smiled coyly. Goku smiled happily as well.  
  
"Two of my assassins are dead, I will not tolerate failures!" Dr. Ni was riding around the volcano lair in a bike while mini me/Homura was sat on the handles, honking the horn at random people.  
  
Gyukomen smiled at them, then panicked when she fell backwards into number2 form some kind of earthquake.  
  
"What the heck was that?!" Number2 asked.  
  
"Volcanic eruption!" Gyukomen offered, trying to stand up straight.  
  
Off in the other direction, mini me/Homura was trying to stay close to Dr. Ni, but was sliding a whole lot more since he was so small. A man appeared at the doorway. A very large, fat man, dressed in an orange jump suit, like he was some kind of burger place server or a bad mechanic.  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to my spy in the ministry of defense. Fat Mustard." Dr. Ni smiled as Fat mustard saluted him.  
  
"First things first, where's your-"  
  
"Don't go there girlfriend!" Dr. Ni silenced. "That is in no way charming."  
  
"Yeah, I'm no Brad Pitt. I have a crap on board that'll-"]  
  
"Ok, gross, stop, just stop! Really man, knock it off!" Dr. Ni yelled. "Fat mustard, can I have my mojo now"  
  
"First things first, where's my money?" Fat Mustard waved a vile of pinkish liquid in front of Dr. Ni.  
  
"Alright, give him the money."  
  
Mini me/Homura dragged a brief case full of money over to Fat mustard and stood there as he looked at him with hungry eyes.  
  
"Geez, he's tiny. But wait, he kinda looks like a baby." Suddenly Fat mustard crouched down next to mini me/Homura. "Come here, I'm gonna eat you! I'm bigger than you, I'm higher in the food chain! Get in my belly get in my belly"  
  
Mini me/Homura looked at Dr. Ni who nodded to him. Mini me/Homura kicked Fat Mustard in the shins and grabbed the mojo from him. He ran up to Dr. Ni and gave him the vile.  
  
"Thank you. Can I have a hug?" Dr. Ni crouched down and gave mini me/Homura a big hug.  
  
"Dr. Ni, I have a new proposition. You keep your money, get your mojo, and I get your baby." Fat mustard licked his lips, making mini me/Homura hide behind his back.  
  
"Riiiiiiiiiight."  
  
"Excuse me." Number2 interrupted Fat mustard.  
  
"I want my baby back, baby back ribs. I want my baby back, baby back ribs. Chili's baby back ribs." Fat Mustard sang as Number2 looked to Dr. Ni.  
  
"Dr. Ni, now that we have Goku's mojo, what do we do?"  
  
"Goku is no longer my problem any more, if you find him, kill him."  
  
Dr. Ni looked at the vile in his hand that contained the oink liquid. He unscrewed the cap and looked at it, uncertain. He looked to Number2 and Gyukomen, who smiled reassuringly.  
  
Dr. Ni cautiously took a sip of the pink mojo. Suddenly the room became fuzzy and red. He looked over to Gyukomen, who looked more appealing than ever.  
  
It was apparent to Gyukomen Dr. Ni was staring at her, smiling. She wasn't quite sure what he was thinking, but she smiled back.  
  
Dr. Ni clapped his hands. "Your dismissed everyone. Its private time."  
  
As everyone left mini me/Homura rolled his eyes as Dr. Ni and Gyukomen sat down on bed that had risen from the floor.  
  
"Dr. Ni looked at Gyukomen, who looked back intently. Dr. Ni pulled out a bottle of whiskey and took a long sip of it. He dropped the bottle to his side and looked back at Gyukomen. She grabbed his shoulders and laid him down on the bed. She whispered something to him in another language, and then they both fell onto the bed, in oblivion of "bleep".  
  
The volcano erupts from the supposed force of their "bleep".  
  
Uhhhh...that's all for now...I'm sleepy...maybe every weekends I'll update...maybe! Hope you like it! 


End file.
